Reformed Grits

LOST thing

Ok there is too much swirling in my aching head to post about this awesome show.  A couple things:

-Did ANYONE else notice the use of the white rabbit's foot?  The whole white rabbit thing has been woven into the whole series and I have not seen ANYONE else mention this on any other blog or board about last night's show.  One of the pilots bringing the Oceanic 6 back to civilization was rubbing one.  Hurley's dad had one on the keys he handed to Hurley for the car as well!  What is the deal with the white rabbit and this show?  It most assuredly means SOMETHING.  Anyone's thoughts?

-Best line of the night-- Hurley's mom:  "Jesus Christ is NOT a weapon."  Just about wet myself on that one. 

-A big "OOO yeah!!!" for Sun telling her bad daddy off!  WHOOHOO!  "No, you will respect ME!"  Go girl! 

-Is it just me or is anyone supposed to believe that Aaron is 5 weeks old?  You kidding me?  And a preemie at that?  Are we supposed to think that the island made him healthy and strong for a 5 week old, or is that just some clueless man who does casting? 

I'm sure I'll have more thoughts later but I'm eager to hear yours-- especially if you noticed the rabbit's foot or know anything about the white rabbit. 
People who don't watch Lost must think I'm insane for talking like this. 

Y'alls are funny

I have gotton a HUGE kick out of the folks who have emailed and commented about my "idiot" experience.  Hilarious!  I just want you to know, I really didn't think as much of it as y'all did!  I really was TRYING to make the point that I will fail and do wrong and screw up, but that's ok.  People will point out my flaws and imperfections and that's ok.  I'll get called names, and that's ok! 
But lemme tell ya, y'all are like mother lions about me and I am very grateful and humbled to have friends like you. 
I don't hold a grudge against this person-- I really don't-- but I do wonder how hard it must be to live in a house with a man who loses his temper over something so small and is not quick to forgive.  I feel bad for his wife and children, and hope that maybe he's really not like that but that maybe he just had a bad day.  Maybe he dropped one ... that day and that was why he was so cranky. 

Ahem.

I'm done now. 

Thank yall. 

Tuesday

4 doctors copays... so far
4 antibiotic copays... so far
3 soccer practices missed... so far
2 breathing treatments... so far
2 thermometers going all the time
2 games missed
2 missed days of work... so far
Lots of advil
Lots of tylenol
10 total days of school missed... so far
1 shot in the hiney
4 half gallons of ice cream
Hours and hours of pointless cartoons
4 loads of laundry today... so far
Bee covered in poop from not having diaper on.
Bee covered in peanut butter from raiding the kitchen. 
Bee covered in marker... just because. 

3 days until we are out for summer... (sigh)

My humanness abounds

The other day I wrote about my pride and how God ceases to allow me to be humbled again and again.  In the last year of my life, I've noticed that I've dealt with a great deal of anxiety-- something I've never dealt with before.  The least little change to my schedule or routine and I feel all types of panic welling up in my soul and I feel miserable.  I feel so much sympathy for those who deal with this routinely in a thousand ways worse than I do.  I'm still learning to deal with anxiety and panic which helps, but pondering why I am experiencing this change made me realize something. 
Picture me juggling all kinds of balls, and you can even picture me as a clown because honestly that's how I think I look to a lot of people lately.  (Well, clown is nicer than "idiot" which is what I got the other day, but I digress...)  Pretend I have one ball for each of my children and husband, then there's school, work, household responsibilities, soccer, scouts, staying within the budget, keeping up with medical payments (which has become a big deal for us lately with all the health issues-- tonsils, migraines, strep, eye exams, contacts, dentist, etc.  We have the money, it's just keeping UP with all of it!) Add in the aforementioned health issues, running everyone where they need to go, and then of course we must try to schedule in some fun, if we can.  And I know I said work, but I need to say it twice more, just because it requires so much mental and emotional energy right now.  Work, and work.  I'm juggling, and maybe for a while I'm holding my own-- I can do this!  I can!  And then someone says, "Hey you have to start adding a new medicine twice a day for 10 days."  Oh... Ok, well I can, figure out how to adjust to one more ball.  Let's see... Ok...
Now, I'm juggling another ball and I'm shifting though feeling a little on edge, and someone, say from school says, "We need you to make this adjustment to such and such and do this thing differently.  Now, think of all the possible implications and get back to me."
Um.. Ok, now I have a couple kinks in my stomach and I'm feeling anxious but I'm focusing on juggling this new ball in addition to the old ones and, oh dear, I need to fit in the time to search for those implications... but let me just do this for a minute.  So I juggle and juggle and try to answer the phone with my foot while I'm juggling... and oh dear... I've dropped a ball. 
SCREEEEEEEECH.
Now I'm a mess because I've let someone down-- I've dropped a ball and they were counting on me and Oh no.  What will people think?  Will they think I'm unreliable?  Will they be scarred for life if it's my child?  Will the team not have something they need because I didn't come through? 
And my stomach is in big knots now...

Last night, I spent too much time looking at old photo albums of when I had just 3 and 4 children.  Things seemed SO simple then.  With the 3, I had no one in school and no one in soccer.  When 4 came, I had 1 in school and 1 in non-competitive soccer.  We were so flexible.  They all 4 still napped everyday for Pete's sake.  What happened?  I blinked, and all of a sudden life got so very hard.  It's not the number of children that makes life complicated-- it's their bloomin' activities that complicate things.  What if we just said no to it all-- even the good things?  Even this week, the last week of school, each of my six children is to have some type of end of year "thing" for their teachers and coaches, which makes a grand total of 18 people.  It's just not possible.  I had planned on making mini-loafs of bread with a small thank you card, but when 4 people in my house now have strep (did I forget to mention this??  Juggling this as well.  Remind me to go pick up the antibiotics at CVS, will ya?) do you think anyone really wants me to cook for them?  I'm thinking, no. 

Today the ball that dropped, was Sugie.  I pulled in the driveway at home and thought to myself, "SOMEONE is missing!"  And they were.  I screeched back out and speed-dialed my mom to see if she was still there (no answer.)  Within a minute, I got a phone call from the school, "Hey, Kim, do a quick count in the car and see if anyone is missing."  Cue uproarious laughter, from about 3 in the background as well.  Granted, I can laugh at myself.  No one was hurt.  It was funny.  I'm the dunce with 6 kids she can't keep up with.  I get it.  I just couldn't laugh because in my mind's eye I could see Sugie's sad, teary face wondering how her mommy could forget her the day after Mother's Day when she had made her a card and they were holding hands.

But where I am weak, He is strong.  I can not, and will not, beat myself up for being what He has made me.  I will have many "judges" on this earth but I only answer to Him for what I do and as my dear friend Disti reminded me from the David Crowder song "Everything Glorious"... "You make everything glorious, and I am yours, so what does that make me?"  I can only do what I can do, and if someone comes down harsh on me (such as the ungracious soul that referred to me as an "idiot") then I should, and will try to think about them in context of what some "unnamed" favorite person of mine said...

"I'm sure their poop doesn't stink." 

Have I mentioned I love my husband? 

Good news/ Bad News

Well we are home from day one of state cup playoffs and we come home with 2 tough wins.  Yay!  This puts us in the final round for next weekend.  We are really stoked about this great opportunity!

The bad news is that Jojo is out for the count-- during the second game when he went in, he looked awful and played, well, not long.  I noticed that after a while he was sitting with his head in his hands and not looking up.  It was obvious something was wrong.  I eventually went over (I don't think I've EVER gone over to the bench.  I'm not "that kind of mom.") and asked what was wrong.  His eyes were bloodshot and he looked awful.  His hands were shaking like crazy and he said his head was killing him.  He was out of water so I went and got him some and gave him a motrin.  He didn't get back in the game.  :-( 

He slept the whole way home (almost 2 hours) and when we arrived his temp, with motrin, was 101.2. 

So that rules out play for tomorrow.  Even if he's better it's not worth risking getting his teammates sick.  His throat is killing him too, so we are likely going back for another strep test and at the least going to get some stronger cough medicine.  He has a deep rattly cough too.  Not great when you are running for 70 minutes straight. 

So say a prayer for our boy.  He's discouraged and miserable. 

"Slow and steady wins the race" or "How did we get here?" part 6

Drolling along here, I hope to wrap this up soon as I'd hate to drive you all away and make enemies.  If you are wondering why, it starts here.   I'm not really sure how this all fits in to the story, but bear with me and I do a little "stream of consciousness" writing tonight. 
This weekend I'll be leaving early for Jojo's state cup.  If you are one of the ones who can actually see the updates on Twitter in the sidebar, the I'll post updates!

There must be some mistake.  I mean, I'm sure God doesn't make mistakes-- maybe it was us.  Or just me.  What have I done?  What have WE done?  I'm no Ruth Bell Graham.  It was a harsh reality that came crashing down when the reality of what was to come fell on me.  I was going to be she-who-was-under-a-microscope.  The lady in a glass house.  Me and my perfectionist tendencies. 

Cue screeching halt record music.

Hold on.  Have you been to my house?  Do you remember pictures like these?  Not what you'd expect from a perfectionist, huh?  I guess what I really mean is that I am a pride junkie.  When it comes to what people think of me, what I do, who I am, I tend to think that I should be uncriticizable.  Unable to make mistakes.  She who amazes and impresses.  I've always been this way.  A long time ago, an a place far, far away, I wrote:

I realized tonight that is what I am. (A pride junkie)  Katie emailed me frustrated bc of the way people have been telling her she can't do this or that and people treat her like "a kid." ... She isnt saying people are giving and revoking permission "can and can't" but that she is unable or incapable.

I can so relate! 
I started hearing the things she heard at her age but mine were a little different:
"You dont think you can afford to go away to college, do you?"
"You are too young to get married."
"You wont graduate from college since you got married so young."
"You cant afford to buy a house right out of college." 
"You shouldnt have kids yet!  You are so young!" 
"You should wait to have more kids." 
"You have enough kids!" 
ETC, Ad Nauseum....
I need a shirt that says, "A sure way to know what I'll do next is to tell me what I 'can't' do!" 
Why the heck do you suppose that is? 
Well, in response to Katie I realized it is because I am a pride junkie. Some of my favorite things are to see people's faces when I tell them:
-how many kids I have
-how big my babies were
-how young I was when I graduated from college... with honors... in 3 1/2 years
-what I've been up to, whether it's walking on kitchen countertops painting my kitchen as I'm 6 months pregnant or cooking all the food for a shower or it's running to a million soccer games or revamping the school's bookkeeping!

I love to shock people with what "I" can do! This is very upsetting to me. The first thought I have is, well I must change that! God must get all the glory for what happens in my life! But in all honesty, I like the attention and I dont want it to change!
What do I say to that, but to confess it and say, "Lord, I know it's wrong. Make me sorry and repentant." I cant honestly say that Im repentant now, but I do recognize my foolish pride and I pray that the Lord changes my heart without having to publicly and painfully force me to be sorry.
It's something for sure "I" cant do.

So you see, pride was the root of it all.  I realized that then, and increasingly in the time since then.  In the years since those panicked "first days" of stepping forward, I've stubbed my pride more times than  I care to count.  I've made mistakes.  I've embarrassed myself by sinning in the whole wide open. Oh to publically and painfully.  My faults have been laid bare.  I really, REALLY hate to admit when I've done wrong.  Messed up.  Sinned.  The things that I like to "shine forth" to impress?  They are a diversion... a diversion so you won't see my flaws.   

It's been a really painful time, but much more profitable for our future real-life ministry than possibly even those times of great growth.  Our pastor shared the story of how trees used for the masts of ships were found solitarily on hilltops.  They grew plenty tall, and the swaying of the constant wind on both sides with no "wind breaks" made the tree evenly strong enough to withstand the power of the ocean gusts.  In a lot of ways I can relate to that story, not that I'm strong or tall or powerful, but just knowing that the winds that blow now will strengthen me for the tasks ahead help me, if I remember to keep perspective. 

And now, we are just 16 classes away from graduation... what's next?  Who knows...

I may never sleep again

It's that danged Lost!

I am so wigged out... not over Christian.  I knew all along he was in that chair. 
CLAIRE.  WHAT was she doing there?  And why was she looking so relaxed like it was no big deal and she wasn't concerned about leaving Aaron.  On a leaf.  In the jungle.  At night.  With the smoke monster.  And polar bears.  And Ben.  And who knows what else?  WHY?  I'm so freaked out.  There was nothing in the world they could have done that could have freaked me out more...

And is it just me, or did anybody really give a flip about John's past?  I know it was supposed to be all freaky and weird that John was "visited" by those people all along, but I found myself uninterested and uncaring.  Kind of like, so what?  Yeah, yeah, the time travellers came and saw him because he's chosen.  (yawn.)  I've ceased to care about John or give a flip.  That whole storyline bored me. 

Did you catch the "beeping" of the SOS message when the guy first noticed it, and the doctor in the background?  We had to rewind that one twice because Mr. Grits didn't at first.  (Then he was like, "um, yeah, sure enough.  Press play.")  I just was happy to catch it when it first happened.  No biggie. 

Anyone have any grand revelations?  I didn't really love this episode other than the Claire thing at the end.  Which I didn't really love-- I kind of hated and want to go curl up in the fetal position under my bed for 3 days.  But it was the only part that interested me I think.  Tell me this episode had a point, and I just missed it, please? 

American Idol- Top Four

I don't want to dwell on this, but I wanted to sum up my thoughts tonight, and get yours! 

David Cook- Well, a little Duran Duran is always a good thing.  I go back, baby!  That was a good way to start for me.  I liked it a lot and it pumped me up for the show, but I wasn't blown away.  The second song, I was just kind of sitting there going, "Huh?"  Weird.  I think he could have chosen better.
Jason Castro-  Oh dear, this hurt.  I really like Jason.  I get his mellow, soulful vibe.  But oh my word, I felt terrible for him tonight.  I didn't hate the first song but I thought the judges were really cruel and harsh with him.  It really wasn't THAT bad.  I didn't love it, but they were harsh.  The second song, oh dear, by that point, I was already singing, "Pleeasse, celebrate me homee....."  We'll miss you Jason, but it's time.

Syesha Mercado-  Oh mercy.  The first song, I felt like she was doing dinner theatre or something.  Or some movie where she was on stage in some martini bar or something-- shakin' her moneymaker and all.  UGH.  I felt awkward watching her, and a little uncomfortable.  The second song, I thought she looked very pretty but wanted to put the triangle of fabric back over her cleavage to spare my staring boys but the song was (yawn) boring.  The crying?  Oh please.  Spare me.

David Archeletta or however you spell it-  I'm laughing because he's the teddy bear and he's sucking up to all the teenyboppers with cell phones-- "Beautiful girls, stand by me"  and "Gee, I've never gotton to sing a love song on the big stage..."  But he's got the goods.  He's very gifted and I very much enjoyed his songs.   He really does deserve to be there.  Both songs were really good and he sang them well.  Our only complaint was, hello?  Isn't this supposed to be ROCK AND ROLL?  I was practically lulled to sleep by his choices they were so tame.  All I could think of him doing was singing his children to sleep one day or crooning to some little sweetie... but rock and roll?  Um, me thinks not. 

Who should go?  Oh dear, you know it's Jason. 

Who will go?  That'd be Jason.

Top two will be...? The Davids

The winner? I think David A, and it's all good so that David Cook can "cook" his own deal.  David A needs the guidance from AI, but David Cook is ready to do his own thing and not be told what to do every step of the way and be over-produced. 

"Slow and steady wins the race" or "How did we get here?" part 5

Mr. Grits got home with Poo from soccer practice and decided to watch some documentary on meth, which grosses me out and bores me to tears.  The top 2 kids have fever and went to bed early, so I grabbed the laptop and thought I'd try to pound out a little more of the story, which starts here. 

I hung up the phone and sat with a stunned smile on my face for quite a while.  It was the rush of doing something different.  Of making that move.  Of going forward.  It was a real rush.  I was so excited that we were finally responding.  My honey was in seminary.  We were going into the ministry. 

I know what you are thinking... that how on earth would I be thrilled that he just up and decided to start seminary without telling me he was going to do it?  Well, we had talked about it many times, that we thought that's what he should do.  After a while, we were convinced it was the right thing to do.  That's where the disobedience came in.  We hesitated to do it. 

But at last we were underway.  Almost like a long anticipated journey, and you've just gotten in the car or on the airplane.   We were almost giddy.  Almost immediately we began to feel the Lord's blessing on what we were doing-- I don't know that I've ever shared this with anyone, but his schooling has even been paid for and all he has to do is get his books.  We were finally feeling the joy that comes from obedience. 

Shortly after he started school, I remember all of a sudden one day flipping out-- I was going to be a pastor's wife one day?  Um, does anyone know me?  Surely you know that I'm no Sallie/ Barbara Barker or whoever.  I'm the most impulsive, emotionally-charged, immature person I know.  And I'm an open book.  I never know when to keep my mouth shut.  There's no way that I will be the person I need to be to fill these shoes!  I'm going to make some mad, for sure.  I'll be insensitive.  Everyone knows I'm not a compassionate person.  I got panicked.   I was so thankful that Mr. Grits had settled in to a good steady routine of doing most of his reading and studying on his lunch break and while he waited for Jojo at soccer practice.  Meanwhile, I was flying apart!  And one day, we'd have to leave our wonderful little church and all our friends... it was just too much...

To be continued...

Hello, my name is Kim and I have a problem

I know you want me to write more HDWGH/SSWTR but I have to take a day or two (or five) to gather myself together, do laundry, cook, clean the kitchen, and catch up on school work.  My dear friend and work-partner  Distybug is out of town which makes me want to panic (not really.  I'm coping.  But I miss her!)  I've been given some new tasks on top of the normal ones which make me wish I was on some type of medication, but I will deal. 
In the mean time, I find my weakness in having a laptop with internet in my lap.  If I go online, I will waste tons of time here and at every other blog out there avoiding what I should be doing.  And I can't do that right now.  I REALLY can't.
Jojo is home sick today and he has State Cup this weekend, so we HAVE to get him well. 
I will try to update the ol' Twitter in the sidebar which I'm still learning about.  I will probably screw it up so bear with me. 
When I come back, I should have the next bits of the story for you so hang in there!!!